Journeying through the Hymn Book

Rosie has been struggling big time with Seizures over the last 12 days. It has led to her either being totally out of control agitated/panicky/aggressive/lashiing out or Crying sad, miserable or asleep. It has been a hard 12 days. The prospect of leaving the house is getting harder to face, however the return to school has given us some much needed respite from the constant onslaught. Not sure how school feel about this, they havent really mentioned much other than she has been agitated.

Tonight she came home from school asleep, woke to throw herself on the floor headbanging and then reaching for the kitchen, she at some tea and a cake then went to bed. Whilst she slept the epilepsy nurse rang back, answering the request I had left on her answer phone to call me. We had a long chat about Rosie and she has gone off to write a not to the consultant and we hope to get some thoughts from him tomorrow. No soner had I finished that conversation than she woke and started kicking and banging, so out she came and had a cake and a bar of milky bar and then got a hymn book and sat beside me.

Rosie likes a Hymn book or 2 dozen! In Church she will collect armfuls of hymn books from the foyer and come and sit openeing them all and piling them up then closing them all up in a closed p[ile. Often she will go round the congregation offering each an open book...getting quite cross if they close it offereing it them back open again....usually they get the idea! Anyway, this evening she sat beside me and thrust the book open in my hand. It was open where I could read this Hymn

Tis Midnight and on Olive's Brow,
The star is dimmned that lately shone.
Tis midnight in the garden now,
The suffering Saviour prays alone.

Tis Midnight and from all removed
The Saviour wrestles lone with fears.
E'en that disciple whom he loved
heeds not his Master's grief and tears.

Tis Midnight, agonized He kneels,
The sweat falls down like drops of blood.
Yet He who such deep anguish feels
is not forsaken by His God.

Tis midnight but before Him looms,
Yet darker hours of deeper woe.
Golgotha's anguish, death , the tomb
The patient Saviour needs must know.

O God, those midnight scenes of woe
In tenderest memory we recall,
We bles the one who loved us so,
And fully own that Christ is All.

Over the last few weeks I have spent many midnight hours allowing my mind to dwell on the difficulties, fears and anxieties of my life. Midnight hours are very lonely, most of the house asleep, the quietness of the night, knowing that noone is really available at the end of the phone. Often I have been drawn into prayer....the sort of prayer that just emits longing, pleading thought out to God. Often not even being able to form words let alone sentences.....

Reading this Hymn...indeed singing it silently, the tune is so beautiful almost haunting in it's minor key, I can see that there is someone who really does understand and identify with my anguish...indeed knew much more.

God promised to be with us through everything, Jesus suffered in all things like as we....

So I turned the page and read through some more Hymns, there is so much truth and beauty in the poetry of the Hymn writers. I often find the worship in Hymns so powerful....goodjob I havent learnt how to put audio on here, I may just shatter all your windows with my Joyful noise unto the Lord....nothing in the Bible says we must only sing if we have a good voice!

Anyway, I found myself reading through and singing silently in my head the words of familiar hymns with deep meaning.

The Love of God it melts our hearts
Like Ice before the sun
And fills our eyes with grateful tears
Such wonders it has done.

and

Nailed upon Golgotha's Tree
Faint and Bleeding who is He?
Hands and feet so rudely torn
wreathed in Crown of twisted thorn.
Once He lived in Heaven above
Happy in His Father's love.
Son of God tis He tis He
Nailed upon Golgotha's tree.

and
For the bread and for the Wine
For the pledge that seals Him mine,
For the words of love divine
We give Thee thanks O Lord.

Only bread and only wine
Yet to faith the solemn sign.
Of the heavenly and divine
We give Thee thanks O Lord

I spent a good hour reading through Hymns I'll spare you a long list it would become meaningless. It meant a lot to me, reading words of comfort, challenge, praise and thought provoking remembrance.

On Sunday Morning it was very hard getting ready to go out to Church. Someone has caused me to question Rosie's acceptance there. Only one person from a wondeful Church family who have total acceptance and love for our family and probably Rosie in particular. A lot had gone through my mind over the previous 24 hours following a thought provoking heart outpouring of a friend. I was afraid of the posibility of this one persons dislike of Rosie and yet I was so aware and grateful for the love of the rest of the Church. Rosie was being very difficult, I was not coping with Rosie's behaviour and if I was not coping how could I expect others to cope....I so nearly did not go...Joshua was doing the reading and there was a special song for Eve in the programme....so I felt I had to....it was with a heavy heart I got into the bus. As I drove to Church I became aware of the assurance of love from the majority...I became determined to let them know how much their love for us was appreciated and I determined if there was a sharing time I would share my gratefulness and my asurance that this was God's love in practice.

Rosie was really in a state through the first part of the service, I found myself very on edge, worrying about her upsetting the person, worried about how I would react if something was said. Trying hard to contain Rosie without distressing her. Managing to listen to Joshua and Sign for Eve's song, and then the Children went out and the request for sharing for prayer and praise. I jumped the gun a bit as Nic was in the processing of asking visitors from further afield when my hand shot up. I rose to the lecturn and looked out at the congregation and the eyes that met mine were ones filled with acceptance and anticipation. So many times I have stood and requested prayer for specific issues we are facing, this time I was able to be offering something rather than asking. I was offering my love and thanks and gratefulness for their love and acceptance. I know that when we come into Church, Rosie is not tolerated, she is met with unconditional love and acceptance, as is the rest of the family.
I sat down with applause and Amens ringing in my ears.
After the service an elderly lady approached me. I am useless with names and although this is someone I often exchange pleasantries with I was not sure of her name. It didnt matter. She wanted to tell me of her experience.

When she first came back to Church after an absence she was irritated by the thud thud of Rosie marching around the Church, that first morning she was overwhelmed with frustration irritation and building anger as Rosie was apparantly in a bad way that morning. However in the middle of the following week she becane startlingly aware of God speaking to her, reminding her of her own children, grandchildren and great grandchildren, how they were all healthy, happy and achieving, she was vividly given a message that she had no right to be irritated or even aware of Rosie's disruptiveness. She told me that since that day she has always been filled with love for Rosie whenever she is aware of her around her. She is still a little anxious that she would not be able to cope if Rosie actually lunged at her, but in fact Rosie never has, but has approached and taken ehr hand gently, has looked at her and smiled but never shown any aggression.

I was so moved by the fact that this lady actually took the time to tell me all this. It must have been hard to acknowledge that she had been irritated, but it meant so much to me. A real witness of God changing a person's heart through Rosie.

I am sat here with my Hymn book still open. so much truth and love and passion falling out of the pages. If you are struggling with your faith right now, struggling to know where God is in your life, not able to reach into a Bible, take up a Hymn book allow the poetry of the truth in their reach out to you.

Much love