Where did that go???

I am sure it was only last week my daughter could lay in the bath and almost swim!!! So how come tonight when I bathed her and washed her hair when she laid down her feet were sticking over the top of the end of the bath????

She is stood reading over my sholder and thinks it is because we have a small bath....or maybe because she was not with her head at the end...NO! She has GROWN....no longer my baby she is now my responsable big girl always ready to help out and always just as ready to drive me mad with her silly whinging! Always ready to comfort someone hurt or upset but just as quick to upset her brother with her sharp tongue....anyway how did all that happen and when?

My baby boy, the one who used to sit on Daddy's lap throwing the money from his paypacket like confetti...he will be 18 this year.....WOW 17 years ago we wondered if he would see another Christmas.

Ahhh my next baby girl still small enough to cuddle but strong enough to resist, strong enough to fight her way from anything she doesn't want to do...goodness it is almost 15 years since we brought that tiny scrap home having been told and this is an almost word for word quote:=

She is deaf, blind, totally unresponsive and will never achieve anything, she will be lucky to see her first birthday and certainly not her 5th! Goodness Rosie forgot to read those books! Yes we have spent many a night wondering if she would see the dawn, yes she still gives us scares but she has managed almost a full 15 years with us and should she make it to May it will be her 16th birthday. Even whilst ticking off the things the adoption medical advisor so obviously had wrong I dont think we ever dared to imagine we would be dealing with the issues Rosie throws at us now day to day!

Living a life with children with life threatening problems has it's ups and downs. Most times it forces us to make the most of every moment, live life for the best we can and achieve the best we can for our children. However it also means that we face the mortality of our children frequently. We canot live our lives constantly thinking of the negatives, of What might happen of what might be ahead. There are howver times when those thoughts ovetake us and the what ifs are overwhelming. Rosie's health has been worriesome this last few weeks. Each time she goes downhill again the thought crosses my mind, "is this her time"?

My signature line is based on my verse for life, Proverbs 3v5-7

It is also a part of one of my favourite Hymns.

I do not know what lies ahead,

The way I cannot see.

But one stand near to be my Guide

He'll show the way to me.

For I know who holds the future

and my life is in His hands

With God things dont just happen

everything by Him is planned.

So as I face tomorrow

with it's problems large and small.

I'll trust the God of Miracles

Give to Him my all.

So how is it possible to hold those thoughts and beliefs so firmly in my heart and yet still feel so devastated at the possibilities?

Right now my heart and mind are in turmoil, I have no idea and no way of knowing what the future holds, the time scale of the inevitabilities, what joys or sorrows lie within tomorrows doors. I know for certain sure, that My God is a good father who only gives good gifts. So why does my heart fear? To steal yet another thought from the writings of Jane Grayshon, why does this bread feel so much like a stone?

I can cling only to the thoughts within another scripture, one I discovered aftr the death of our son Benjamin.

Romans 8:18 (King James Version)
King James Version (KJV)
Public Domain
18For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us.

WOW can we begin to imagine the Glory of Heaven.

Comforted by the thought that this life is not all there is. I can go on. God has promised He is with us right here in our suffering.

I seem to be continuously arguing within myself between my own hearts fears and anxieties and griefs and the certain surety I have in my Saviours goodness and promises.

Casting all my anxieties on Him, because He careth for me! 1 Peter 5v7